This is seriously one of the best things I have ever written. I am in love with it. I want to go and edit it more later, but this is the last part, and I hope you enjoy. (Click here for part 1, and here for part 2.)
Naira nods, and she feels a numbness spread over the room.
“I will.” She walks over to the single chair and sits down. “You have to understand, it’s a long story.” Her voice shakes, and Dante shakes his head.
“I have plenty of time.” Naira nods again, not sure what to say. She hugs the little box to her chest and begins her story.
“It was four years ago. I was twelve years old, and a man approached me at the park after school one day. I have no idea what made him pick me, and I never will. He asked to talk. He was in his late thirties, and he always wore sunglasses, a red polo, and a wide brimmed hat. I never even found out his name.” Naira’s voice gets tight, and Dante watches her with intense eyes. “I never saw behind his sunglasses, never looked him straight in the eyes. He told me I was needed. That there was another world in danger. He described a box to me, exact-” Her voice breaks, and Dante tries to inconspicuously wipe a tear from his eye. “Exactly the way you had so many times. And he told me inside was a world, and he needed me to keep it safe.” Naira takes a deep breath and rushes on. “Through out the days, I went to see him every week. He told me that if anyone ever found out, I would need to train someone else, that I did not know, that was trustworthy, and train them. He kept telling me every day, that this world, Dunia, was very important. That people lived their lives, and they deserved to. That I needed to keep them from harm. He told me how, he told me to open the box during the day, that they would have sunlight, and close it at night. He told me to never let anyone in my house, which he designed specifically for this purpose, and not get too attached to anyone. He told me after he gave me Dunia, I would never see him again. He told me to make it rain every once in a while, to make it snow when I could. To make life normal for these tiny people. To make it beautiful and long and wonderful, because that’s why he chose me. Because I am loving. Because I am strong. Because I can bear the biggest burdens.” Dante has eyes misted with many tears, and Naira is sobbing. Barely able to speak. Dante reaches over and takes her hand, and he tries his best for a smile. She doesn’t even try to return it, just sobs. And cries. And doesn’t try to lift the burden, doesn’t try to get rid of it. Just closes the box and manages to whisper. “I have made life beautiful for them, and it’s what my life has been for. And now, Dante, I want you to share this burden with me. You know, and I want them to be happy. I want me to be happy. Please, understand this is not something the world needs to know about, and if you disagree, you know what I have to do. And I will do it, because that is what this world needs, and what Dunia needs.” Dante shakes his head.
“This was supposed to be a discovery, and now I can’t tell anyone. I want to finally-” His voice breaks and he reaches into his pocket pulling out a crumpled photograph. It’s the box. Mahogany, with latin words inscribed in it. Hoc saeculo, sicut debent. Quam nescis: digni enim sunt. Et proeliorum toties et salvat.
“This world, as they should be. Which thou knowest not: for they are worthy. The battles often and save.” I translate, having done it so many times. I poured over a latin book so many times, as I know Dante has. I kiss him on the forehead and run a hand through his mousy brown hair. “I know. It hurts, and it hurt me, but I can help you.” Dante nods, his movements slow.
“I know. Because you love me.” And no truer words were ever spoken.
Okay, I've had some time to read your story in its entirety and here are my thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) This was very cool. There was a lot of rough emotion that constantly lurked in the corners of the story that increased the vague sense of foreboding. Due to the short story format, that sense didn't have a lot of time to develop, so you needed all the foreboding you could get. Well done.
2) I'm so proud of you for writing in the 3rd person! I know that's a new practice and I think it's going well. You wanna watch, though, that you're being careful of the viewpoint. There was a moment when we stepped into Dante's head, another when it suddenly went 1st person. Jumping viewpoints has to be done very carefully or it ends up coming across as a lazy way to tell what the not-viewpoint character is thinking. If you didn't mean it as an element of the story you should edit to take it out. I think what you were going for will work even better if instead you described Dante's face, body language, stance, etc, to clue us in to his thoughts.
3) Homeschooler to homeschooler- Describing a school setting is not our forte :) It's just something we've never experienced and so those scenes come across as jarring, inauthentic. That takes the reader out of the story, which, with a story such as yours, is a shame. So, my advice, either do a ton of research (watch movies, read books that take place in a school setting, interview ex-public school kids) or be very vague. Also, take it from me, high school boys are not 'men' :)
4) If she opens the box for sunshine and snow and all, show her doing it without telling us why. Intertwine it with her normal routine. It builds the box's place in the story, pulls it into the fore and enhances the mystery.
5) I would read this novel. No joke, I seriously would. That means you now need to take this story and write me the novel version. Because I want to read it.
I hope those thoughts are helpful. I can't wait to see what you do next!
:-) Thanks, Titi Gabi! I actually would like to at some point expand it into a novel, because I really like the story...So I will let you know if that actually happens.
Delete